MARRIAGE IS NOT INSTANTLY GRATIFYING

MARRIAGE IS NOT INSTANTLY GRATIFYING

By Domenick J. Maglio Ph.D. Traditional Realist

In our consumer economy there is constant temptation to purchase whatever we desire, now, even when we cannot afford it. Sophisticated subliminal advertising

makes almost any item: jewelry, houses, or cars- irresistible and affordable. The discounts and credit options make it feasible although illogical to buy now rather than save until it could be bought outright.

We live in a soft, instant gratification society. Our children are rewarded at home and at school for the slightest hint of beginning to apply themselves to do the right thing. They receive outrageous amounts of money for doing the simplest chores around the house. In school they receive inflated grades and plaques not for earning a significant achievement but for participating in the activity no matter how little the effort or improvement in skills.

It is no wonder many people are joining computer-dating sites to meet the right person. The TV promos show two attractive people for the first time having an immediate, intense relationship. It is “love at first sight” in this contrived start up relationship. The viewer is supposed to believe that through trait analysis the chemistry of these two people will fall into a magical state of euphoria and blossom into a loving relationship. They expect that the senses will continue to heighten to extraordinary levels just at the sight of each other. They will melt into a warm and exhilarating feeling whenever they are in the other’s presence arriving on cloud nine.

This romantic narrative is not love. It is the illusion of infatuation. This altered state can last for a short, fleeting period of time or grow into something that is more substantial. Usually this period can continue at the most a year or two before the chemistry fades. Once the couple realizes the shortcomings the real work of building the relationship begins.

True love is not about finding a perfect match between two people. It is about hard work to negotiate a fair and honest relationship. When both members fairly share their skills and effort it contributes to the success of the marriage. The strength of the bond becomes more solidified. It does not matter that they share equally in all duties as many marital experts preach. More realistically, each spouse should do what each prefers and at the same time be willing to share what the other feels is necessary. This balance requires honest negotiation and willingness to keep their word. Spouses have to continue to practice this ongoing honest dialogue, which will bring them closer together.

Only when two people get to know their own and their spouse’s weaknesses and shortcomings and accept them are they developing a firm foundation for a long-term relationship. Each of us is imperfect. When two people comprehend this reality and commit to grow into a united pair they are on the path to develop a loving relationship. This journey is an uneven and difficult one. One person will often make greater concessions than the other but this may change with time.

Eventually, after many personal challenges, both would be persuaded that walking away from all their shared experiences and accomplishments would be stupid. Beginning over again for instant gratification and the illusion of infatuation would only be temporary. This awareness and the decision to struggle through what at times are frustrating and strong disagreements are essential to elevating the relationship. This decision by each person to care enough to persevere and be brutally honest with each other will unify them into a highly functioning pair.

The entire development of a marriage relationship between a man and a woman is not easy or spontaneous. It takes time and effort for a man to understand the way his unique woman feels thinks and acts in a particular situation. The same in reverse for a woman to needs to understand her man’s uniqueness. Once each appreciates the other’s differences and appreciates the other for them, there is a growth of respect for each other. These differences were once viewed as disdainful, characteristic flaws. When the couple realize these behaviors and thinking have helped them broaden their perspective and better understand the world around them. These flaws magically turn into assets.

The original infatuation chemistry through concentrated effort ultimately leads to a durable love bringing both into the inner world of the other.  Instant gratification can start an intimate relationship but cannot sustain it. The uniting of a couple in a loving marriage takes devotion for each to the other.

Domenick Maglio, PhD. is a columnist carried by various newspapers, an author of several books and owner/director of Wider Horizons School, a college prep program. Dr. Maglio is an author of weekly newspaper articles, INVASION WITHIN  and a new just published book, entitled, IN CHARGE PARENTING In a PC World. You can visit Dr. Maglio at www.drmaglio.blogspot.com.