PARENTS TAKING THE BLAME FOR THEIR CHILDREN’S MISBEHAVIOR

 PARENTS TAKING THE BLAME FOR THEIR CHILDREN’S MISBEHAVIOR

By Domenick J. Maglio PhD Traditional Realist

 

Modern parental roles are unstable and complex. Often both parents are working online or outside the home. The parents might be working at their residence with their children in the confines of the home. A relative or nanny might have the primary responsibility of the children’s welfare although the parents are often consulted as to what to do in a particular instance. This frequently produces guilt for both parents for not supervising the child directly. 

 

This type of arrangement leaves the parents in a dilemma. They usually know what they should do, however, they do not have the time to execute it in a timely manner. Even if they are working away from home, they feel some responsibility for not being there personally to handle the problems that arise at home. Besides the guilt of a mother not handling the traditional role of caretaker, some realize the important lessons they are not teaching their children. They intuitively understand when their children do not use common sense it is because they were not there to teach essential lessons.

 

At home many fathers have become the primary parent while their wife is employed outside the home. This role of being a caregiver for very young toddlers is unnatural for males. Their tradition of being hunters in more primitive times and main bread winners before women entered the job market has not prepared them for this unnatural task of caring for young children. Nor has their genetic pool over the centuries prepared them to be the nurturer. Too often the father or male companion attempts to imitate the traditional female responses toward the child’s actions. They do not want to be considered abrupt or punitive. Their consequences for misbehavior are often explanations and suggestions rather than concrete punishing ones. 

 

To either the female or male the part time caretaking role has not been particularly satisfying. Most women who work often have conflicts with need or desire to be a financially independent woman while functioning as the best mother they can be. These two goals force many women to face difficult challenges in attempting to deal with both. 

 

The house husband also faces difficult challenges. Once diving into their new role, they realize it is going to be far from a picnic. From toddler to adolescent, female and male children present unique problems that have to be handled as soon as possible.  After an interval both comprehend that being a house husband or fulltime mother is more difficult than it first appeared. 

 

The ultimate victims of this modern transformation of traditional childrearing roles are the children. Children are being allowed to develop horrendous games. The child “plays” the father by being cute and loving to him before and after misbehavior that neutralizes his displeasure. Mothers coming home after their demanding jobs have little patience, or energy to improve their child. Most mothers intuitively realize their child is developing inappropriate responses while not learning the long-term benefits of doing the right thing. 

 

Modern child rearing is not working. There is an epidemic of young children being labeled for mental and physical disabilities. Too many of these children are being medicated with psychotropic drugs to change abnormal behaviors that could and should have easily been corrected earlier before becoming ingrained habits.

 

Mothers, and to a lesser extent, fathers when told of their child’s inappropriateness blame themselves for the child’s obnoxious behavior. The mother knows that when the child is exhibiting negative behavior such as breaking or destroying other people’s possessions, she could have intervened to eliminate this obnoxious behavior. The male realizes that using female interventions for them is ineffective since it is not authentic.

 

The guilt of missing these opportunities to correct their child transforms into taking the blame for their child’s inappropriate behaviors. Instead of encouraging the authority figure or joining with the authority, the parent deflects the punishment by fully taking the blame. This does not solve the child’s misbehavior, just reinforces it. 

 

The attempted reversal of male and female roles in most cases has not worked. Most couples even those working from home realize that raising children is a fulltime position that reaps incredible benefits when done wholeheartedly for the child and the family. There is no substitute for a dedicated mother who has the support of a productive male bread winner who is a positive role model for everyone in the family. 

 

Parents taking the blame for their child’s misbehavior is counterproductive and a misguided practice for the child’s character development. Consistent love with appropriate in-charge discipline by the parents results in healthy, productive children and proud parents. 

 

 

Domenick Maglio, PhD. is a columnist carried by various newspapers and blogs, an author of several books and owner/director of Wider Horizons School, a college prep program. Dr. Maglio is an author of weekly newspaper articles, INVASION WITHIN  and a recent book entitled, IN CHARGE PARENTING In a PC World. You can see many of Dr. Maglio’s articles at www.drmaglioblogspot.com.