ONLY FOCUSING ON A CHILD'S EMOTIONAL HAPPINESS IS A POISON PILL

ONLY FOCUSING ON A CHILD’S EMOTIONAL HAPPINESS IS A POISON PILL

BY Domenick J. Maglio PhD. Traditional Realist

In an affluent society like America it is understandable why many modern parents have selected children’s emotional happiness as the main focus of child rearing. It is a pleasant, simplistic, warm and fuzzy strategy to deal with one’s child. The essence of this childrearing approach is to minimize the conflicts with one’s child through being reasonable by appeasing the child’s feelings often with material objects, gifts, permissive standards, expectations and soothing lectures.

The theory behind this approach sounds great as the parents are supposed to elevate the child to an equal level with them that will eliminate power conflicts. The only problem to this utopian strategy is that it does not work. The child being young and inexperienced will be delighted to be in this catering relationship. The serious problems rarely arise for parents and children until the later years.

Parents’ use of positive rewards will temporarily give power to redirect the child’s behavior with no fuss. As the child’s demands increase in number and frequency the past rewards lose their magic to shift the child’s actions to a more parent-desired pattern. The strength of negotiation switches from parent to their offspring as the child learns the art of negotiation and open defiance.  They become house lawyers with an attitude.

The toddler learns to escalate negative reactions to the parent’s wishes. They have learned there will be no negative consequences. This appeasing style of handling and shaping the child’s development becomes less functional. The child rejects the parent’s beginning bribes that are offered. It learns intuitively that the longer he holds out and the more outrageous his behavior the greater and better will be the parent’s offers to get him to comply.

This process is similar to hostage negotiations. Once the authorities meet the hostage demands the asking price for the next incident becomes more exorbitant and the number increases greatly. The bad guys are emboldened to expand their operation and price for the release. The child’s disobedience to the parents’ wishes reaches the level of obnoxiousness and rewards to bribe them more and more outlandish.

A negotiation from weakness is a losing proposition. No matter how emotionally calm, accepting or empathetic the parents are to the child he will not be reasonable. In fact he will be more emphatic in their right to do whatever he decides.  They have learned the art of tantrums to get their way. They are young children who have not yet entered the age of reason. They fight for what they want until it is given to them.

Even when these children are able to reason, they have learned that firm and unreasonable demands can rule the decision making process. The parents learn that the aggravation, hassle and war will easily and quickly be stopped by just complying with the child’s request.

The problem with parents dealing with their youngsters from weakness is the parents abdicate their power in losing battle after battle until the child is in charge of the relationship.  This means the child has never learned to have boundaries or limits, which increases the potential for problems. When the child confronts higher authority figures that punish their acting out, the parents become embarrassed, unmasked as weak to other adults and especially their child.  

Eventually the child has not a shred of gratefulness for what the parents have provided. They learn to resent their parents for not giving more of everything to them. The affluent lifestyle the parents gave them is never enough since other friends and neighbors have more. The child’s early blissfulness turns to anger towards everyone who does not cater to his or her self-centered view of the world. This is a concrete sign of what today is called “affluenza.”

The selfish entitlement-brats are the product of the “emotionally happy child rearing” practices their parents employed. It is a strategy that is destined to have destructive results. It is a poison pill administered often by well-intentioned people.  It sets up the offspring for anything but a fulfilling and satisfying life. It does disable the youngster from being a caring and productive person. Moreover, the parents will realize the reality that their children will expect more and more from them even after they become adults. These now self-centered adults have little compunction to give love, help or even their time to their now senior parents.

A parent focusing on their child’s happiness is blinded to the child’s need to conquer many difficult levels of frustration on his own. Parents should challenge and encourage their child to struggle through their difficulties until they discover appropriate solutions. This might be a bitter medicine but it is preferable to a deadly one.

Domenick Maglio, PhD. is a columnist carried by various newspapers, an author of several books and owner/director of Wider Horizons School, a college prep program. Dr. Maglio is an author of weekly newspaper articles, INVASION WITHIN  and a new just published book, entitled, IN CHARGE PARENTING In a PC World. You can visit Dr. Maglio at www.drmaglio.blogspot.com.