I DID NOT MEAN TO DO IT

I DID NOT MEAN TO DO IT

By Domenick J. Maglio Ph.D. Traditional Realist

An ex-boyfriend posted his ex-girlfriend’s nude photos on Facebook directly sending them to her boss. When confronted he had the audacity to say, “I did not mean to do it.” There were so many things he had to do to post this message on line that for an adult his excuse is preposterous and pathetic.

When a preschooler is caught at home unrolling an entire roll of toilet paper, the parents realize the child may not have planned to do it although the child knew he did it. The child should not be given a pass but adults definitely should not be given one, as they need to learn to take responsibility for their actions. The training to take responsibility for one’s actions should begin as early and consistently as the child starts to explore his environment.

This nonsensical excuse “I did not mean to do it” is an indictment of our childrearing practices and our tolerance approach of skipping consequences for direct lying or blatantly inappropriate behavior. This epidemic of tolerance of boldface lying is continuing into adulthood. This should be a concern to everyone.

Currently there is an obvious absence of shame for one’s antisocial actions. It starts with weak parental expectations and standards. The lack of enforcing established rules and moral values has undermined taking responsibility for one’s inappropriate behavior.

When a person verbally or physically intimidates, the satisfaction of the dominance of someone can be attractive to the abuser. Without empathy training the person will walk further down this path of harassing others for their sheer pleasure. Another bully will be created out of weak and lazy parenting.

When a significant adult takes control of the situation by giving the youngster a taste of his own behavior, the person has a possibility of learning that his behavior negatively affects others. For example if he bites you, bite him back. The aggressor can begin to develop empathy. Someone has to have the strength of character against the perpetrator or give him enough pain to teach him that his anti social behavior will not end well for him. Pain is an inhibitor of behavior.

For this reason we need to teach our children to stand up to stop a bully or he will continue his bad actions with other innocent children. This reinforcement by adults encourages a child to be strong in the face of intimidation. The person learns that bullies are bluffing cowards.

“I did not mean to do it” dissolves when someone disregards this phony excuse. Nasty people may overlook the possibility of pain if there is an element of psychological satisfaction included in the act. But when a sufficiently strong consequence is given, the bully moves on to an easier target.

The ex-boyfriend sending the ex-girlfriend’s nude photos to her boss was obviously motivated by trying to hurt her. If he knew that he could be convicted of a crime with significant time in prison he probably would not have committed the act in the first place. Our present child rearing practices of not giving consequences for hurtful and harmful acts to others has emboldened these individuals. This a failure of not disciplining children when they most sensitive to it is creating mean spirited, frightening people.

“I did not mean to do it” is simply not accepting responsibility. The person should be held accountable for his actual behavior. When confronted with evidence from a group of observers he may finally accept the realization that he can no longer get away with doing and saying things that are meant to attack another person. If he does not, an authority figure should step in and give a significant consequence that will hopefully alter his thinking. He may finally accept the realization that there were more meaningful ways to handle his personal issues.

He needs to learn “I did not mean to do it “ is not an acceptable excuse; it is a lie. People need to take responsibility for their words and actions.

Domenick J. Maglio, PhD. is a columnist carried by various newspapers, an author of several books and owner/director of Wider Horizons School, a college prep program. Dr. Maglio is an author of weekly newspaper articles, INVASION WITHIN and a new book entitled, IN CHARGE PARENTING In a PC World. You can see many of Dr. Maglio’s articles at www.drmaglio.blogspot.com.