DESENSITIZING YOUR CHILD THROUGH TEASING

DESENSITIZING YOUR CHILD THROUGH TEASING

By Domenick J. Maglio PhD. Traditional Realist

Almost everyone likes to be complemented although there are some who never learn to accept complements with grace. More commonly most of us do not like to be “put down” by anyone. It can become a serious issue especially if one shows others that teasing greatly aggravates them. A negative reaction to being kidded or verbally attacked is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Many instigators enjoy getting an offended reaction from another person as a form of superior verbal fencing with each other.

The greater one’s reaction is to being teased; the more others will note the person’s vulnerability to this game. One after the other will jump into this negative interaction possibly to be befriended by the dominant personality or to ward off attacks by the perpetrator. The offended person will be unmercifully attacked by most of the others although occasionally a youngster might act as a good knight protecting the weaker child.

From the beginning of time these types of annoying incidents have happened in every culture all over the world. It is part of human nature to spar to dominate over others by verbal and physical means.  This is also seen in young animals hissing and knocking each other down in a playful way. It is a necessary stage of developing the skills to survive in the wild. Learning how to unemotionally handle personally perceived offensive comments is an important skill in a civilized society.

Several generations ago many mothers took a more proactive approach to assist their child in dealing with put-downs by giving them instruction through riddles, “sticks and stones can break your bones but names can never harm you.”  The child understood after these talks, if someone called him a pink elephant, it did not make the child one. Another phrase to protect a child is “I am rubber and you are glue, everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you.” These tactics help some children stand up to others without breaking down in anger or tears.

Currently too many mothers believe their child cannot defend himself. They see their child as a perennial victim who needs to be protected by the parents. This lack of faith in the child’s ability to stand up for himself can be reversed by parental preparation. Parents are key in training their children to appropriately respond in these types of verbal exchanges and desensitize them to ludicrous and insensitive remarks. In the past most men were less than PC with their children in order to toughen them up. High self-esteem was a non-issue but a child being able to handle himself reasonably with insensitive children was. These fathers often assessed when the child did not do his best and said, “It is horrible, do it over. “ ”You are an embarrassment to our family,” and other insensitive but common statements.  Fathers understood that sensitivity toward peer remarks was a self-defeating tactic. These fathers trained their children to develop a “thick skin” to deflect the nastiness of others.

At that time both parents knew people had two different types of sensitivity. How they feel about a statement directed at them and more importantly how others are feeling. The first sensitivity to the negative remarks about oneself should be desensitized while the sensitivity to other’s feelings is the great gift of empathy that should be enhanced. This distinction has been muddled. Parents need to emphasize the different reasons for these opposite responses. Sensitivity to the feelings of the less fortunate should be encouraged while being sensitive to every nasty remark directed at them should be ignored or played-down.

Today too many modern adults are trying to short circuit the growing up trials and tribulations by intervening in the process supposedly to protect the child from unnecessary pain. These parents unfortunately are misguided and certainly unwise. By preventing their child from honing the skills needed to deal with other children, the parent will handicap the child from becoming independent.

Good luck, parents, in making everything a federal case that might hurt your child’s feelings. The child will become a whiner, being offended by everyone and everything. Some parents even confront another child without their parent being present. A more effective and rational approach is for the parent to help their child become mentally tougher in order to deal with put-downs from other people.

Parents teasing and joking with their child assists the child in developing a tougher skin to shield him against verbal put-downs by others. By desensitizing one’s offspring to childish statements and giving the child an opportunity to understand that an offensive remark should be taken “with a grain of salt,” the child becomes immunized from breaking down in these stressful situations. It provides the child with specific comebacks to remain in control of the verbal battle. This parental training fosters emotional maturity that also leads to greater appreciation for unfortunate children who cannot defend themselves.

Parental emotional training is a wonderful gift to help their children better cope with the more difficult parts of social reality.

Domenick Maglio, PhD. is a columnist carried by various newspapers, an author of several books and owner/director of Wider Horizons School, a college prep program. Dr. Maglio is an author of weekly newspaper articles, INVASION WITHIN  and a new just published book, entitled, IN CHARGE PARENTING In a PC World. You can visit Dr. Maglio at www.drmaglio.blogspot.com.