STAY MARRIED FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYONE

STAY MARRIED FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYONE

By Domenick J. Maglio PhD. Traditional Realist

There are specific behaviors seen early in a marriage that should be grounds for terminating the relationship. Physical abuse, severe and long term substance addiction, adultery, mental illness, sexual molestation are some of the grounds for early divorce. Usually these destructive, deviant behaviors were hidden or missed before the marriage.  Nevertheless, once uncovered these negative acts should be confronted with serious consequences including dissolving the marriage.

Once there is a child in the marriage the options become more complex and complicated. In the American culture of the 1950s and early 1960s most citizens said couples should stay together for the sake of the children. The parents understood the psychological anguish children had to endure with the breakup of the parents due to the children’s divided allegiance to each parent.  The feminist liberation movement changed the narrative from the impact on the children to the suffering of the woman/mother in a relationship she no longer found fulfilling. Feminist groups and psychological experts who were influenced by the movement directly encouraged a wife to leave the marriage. The hope and dream was that mothers would be liberated and live a more fulfilling life. This has not been the norm.

There are unintended negative consequences to all family members from a divorce. Fathers usually had to move out of the home. The wife received a percentage of the ex husband’s income depending on the competence of her lawyer. Most females did not get all they expected financially and had to share child time with the ex.  Most importantly the children were shuffled back and forth between parents, which complicated their education and social development.  The negativity from one parent about the other alienated the children towards both. The child became more angry and disappointed with one parent than the other but this often shifted over time. The most devastating impact was that the child often turned his bitterness inward. Children are the most seriously victimized by divorce although everyone suffers.

Divorce is the death of the original family although it does not end most of the problems but creates many new ones without totally solving the original ones. The exchange of children on weekends, new step parents, holidays, school events, religious events, future marriages of the children, funerals and many other unexpected issues and events cause emotional difficulties, confusion and conflict. The love and anger in the offspring are rarely totally resolved.

The wedding vow of “in sickness and in health” has to be addressed. It affects not only one spouse but the future wellbeing of all other family members. Creating a healthy marriage takes time and effort. Almost every couple goes through peaks and valleys until personal maturity calms them into a more even flow. The difficult times as well as the enjoyable ones bond the couple together. Jumping ship with the first indication of rough water will exclude many future wonderful experiences. People mature at different rates and at different periods of their life. An intimate marriage relationship is a fertile zone for strong and healthy change. The positive rewards of transforming each member to a more spiritual level are unpredictable as to when it might occur in the relationship.

Many individuals who prematurely end a marriage find themselves wondering “what if”.  The other ex spouse could be thinking about their ex spouse rather than the person with whom they are currently in a relationship.  They miss the good qualities while the past negative ones usually fade since they now have a more mature understanding of what took place. The dynamic of a shaky marriage is easier to understand over time as we better understand and accept our own imperfections.

The positive feelings of one of the divorcees from the beginning infatuation might have remained or returned later on the part of the other. Regardless of the feelings of the ex-spouses, the children are a concrete connection between them and will remain for both as they will always be the biological parents of the children.

Most significantly, the benefits of a long-term marriage are lost in a divorce. Married people usually are healthier, live longer, have better sexual lives, and more financial stability than individuals living alone. Marriage is not an easy or totally romantic journey. It is a difficult one that assists each person to better understand his or her own limits and strengths. It creates interdependence that merges a couple into a unit.

A divorce is a parental decision while the fallout primarily strikes their innocent children’s sense of security for the future. Children often feel emotionally guilty for the divorce leaving the children as the ultimate victims.  Divorce is not a permanent cure all. It may give partial and temporary relief from pain only to metastasize in each family member. This retards the full potential for reaching a satisfying and fulfilling life.

Domenick Maglio, PhD. is a columnist carried by various newspapers, an author of several books and owner/director of Wider Horizons School, a college prep program. Dr. Maglio is an author of weekly newspaper articles, INVASION WITHIN  and a new just published book, entitled, IN CHARGE PARENTING In a PC World. You can visit Dr. Maglio at www.drmaglio.blogspot.com.