DO NOT PROTECT CHILDREN BY PROJECTING YOUR FAILURES ON THEM

DO NOT PROTECT CHILDREN BY PROJECTING YOUR FAILURES ON THEM

By Domenick J. Maglio PhD. Traditional Realist

Children are amazing in how they can change rapidly and drastically. An introverted, cautious preschooler can mature into an aggressive, extroverted adult. Human beings have genetic predisposition that can be altered through experience, role models and will power. Parents, other children and significant others such as relatives, teachers and coaches can inspire children to believe and do things they never dreamed they could accomplish.

When parents or other adults attempt to protect a child from difficulty or failure by saying “I could not do this or that either when I was your age,” is only giving the child an excuse not to attempt to improve. It does not give the child a message of encouragement to overcome the problem but rather it implies that the child does not have to work to try to improve since the parents succeeded without doing anything to overcome their weaknesses. It probably never occurred to the adult that they might have gone further in their own lives if they better developed their abilities and skills.

Just because a significant person did not overcome a challenge, this should not enable the youngster to follow this lazy and self-defeating path. These people do not think about the consequences of their so-called sympathetic statement to shield the student’s temporary difficulties. Besides, the child may not have the same difficulty as did the parent.

For parents who desire to protect their child from pain and anxiety for not being on par with other children this is a shortsighted approach. All children have to overcome many difficulties. The reality is, no child is perfect. Some have academic, social or physical difficulties. A student may find reading or math easy but usually not both in the early grades. In later grades a student can persevere and compensate in order to become an excellent student in most areas. Besides it takes initiative and effort to develop solutions and follow through. As the saying goes: no pain, no gain.

The primary issue is the child has to find a personal strategy to develop his own learning style to conquer his learning difficulties. Students have to determine what works best for them. Some may have to read the material several times, take notes, use flashcards, repeat the words and concepts to themselves. When they tackle the issue head-on independently there is greater opportunity for success. They have to find the means to compensate for their weaknesses. These students learn they are in charge of their own future success and have to make necessary changes to reach their objectives.  These are lessons of looking inside of themselves to arrive at answers when beginning to be an independent learner.

Saying the student is ‘just like me because I could not do this or that” results in a mental state of complacency. This discourages a child who is seeking to become an independent learner. Projecting an adult’s lack of success on a child is an unfair, stupid and destructive act. Students would think, “I do not have to overcome this problem as a significant adult in my life did not do well in this area either.” This thought process leads to mediocrity not excellence. It does not foster the fortitude to strive to reach one’s goals but increases rationalization and a lackadaisical attitude to be less than what one could and should be.

A winner is always eager to improve his performance, not settle to be less than he could be. Competitive performance is a double-edged sword where a person is never satisfied with himself even when he is at the top of his game. There is always more that can be done. However, when a person makes pathetic self-excuses for procrastinating in completing assignments or doing shoddy work, it could and probably would become a lifelong habit if there were not a significant change in attitude and behavior.  The person who has self-defeating behaviors has to change or settle for a less successful existence

Anyone who motivates himself by encouragement can be motivated to overcome any temporary difficulty. Einstein had difficulty with early math. Imagine if he gave up. The world would be much less scientifically advanced than it is today.

When people overcome their difficulties by developing their own strategies and implementing them they realize the importance of mind over matter. They learn how to try to conquer any challenge. This gift of learning the potency of will power and mind over matter opens up the gates to success in one’s life.

Domenick Maglio, PhD. is a columnist carried by various newspapers, an author of several books and owner/director of Wider Horizons School, a college prep program. Dr. Maglio is an author of weekly newspaper articles, INVASION WITHIN and a new just published book, entitled, IN CHARGE PARENTING In a PC World. You can visit Dr. Maglio at www.drmaglio.blogspot.com.