EASIER AT THE BEGINNING NOT ALWAYS BEST

EASIER AT THE BEGINNING NOT ALWAYS BEST

By Domenick J. Maglio PhD Traditional Realist

Young students who learn beginning academics effortlessly are immediately identifiable.

They surge to the top of their class making the teacher's life easy while making the parents proud. Most of them are seen as exceptionally bright whose peers at times marvel at them and other times reject and envy them.

However these so called "gifted" students are carrying an inner time bomb. Eventually they reach a point in their education where they can no longer rely on their superior ability to absorb material. A wall is reached that they are not prepared to overcome. They do not have the foggiest idea what hit them or how to deal with the surprising obstacle. They had never had reason or need to devise any method to go around, over or through an educational blockade.

There was no prior motivation to learn how to compensate for difficulties and overcome challenges. The skills of rehearsing, simplifying, breaking down concepts, summarizing using memory systems or simply study skills were never developed.

People who learn with the gift of comprehending almost through osmosis have to eventually pay a heavy price. They have to learn how to discipline themselves to learn difficult material. This gift might even turn into a curse if they do not make a quick adjustment to a need for study habits. This arriving late in the game makes conquering the learning curve more difficult.

An individual who has always been told how bright he is has to reevaluate this unfortunate appraisal status. These students have to accept the reality they now have to learn how to study or be left in the dust by other more tortoise-like but disciplined students. This is hard to grasp for a student with an inflated ego.

Of course the falsely anointed student has the option of using his reservoir of knowledge to con teachers into believing he knows more than he does. This tactic might work well through high school but a college entrance exam will detect the deception especially in the more technical and disciplined subjects like math and science.

It is deflating to a student's ego that once was described as “gifted” to know he has to work to remain on top. It is like a well known sports recruit going into college realizing he has to grind it out to maintain his starting position.  Competition forces the most gifted athlete or student to have to strive to remain on top.

Life is not easy for those born bright. A time arises when a person has to decide to make corrective changes or live as a “has been.” Too many people who start out of the gate ahead of the rest fail to maintain their lead or even finish the race. They can make excuses why they did not become competent and reach the level of expectations others had for them.

A highly successful student has to work hard throughout his educational career. A quick starter has a more difficult time learning this invaluable lesson since he did not start until later in life.

Before we gush about how bright a youngster is, we should think about how unfair it is to do this

to a child. Calling a child “gifted” can be a comment that can be just as devastating as calling a child stupid. Both children believe the statements cannot be altered.

Once a person hears an authority figure label him, the individual usually feels he will permanently remain locked into this status. Nothing is further from the truth. People change in either direction. Becoming brighter with time or losing that brightness is a readily observable reality.

A child who absorbs everything like a sponge will have to eventually develop learning strategies or he will become another child who has not reached his potential. While a child who had a hard time learning in his early years can blossom into a productive one. No one can guarantee that an appraisal will be valid for one’s entire life even if it is a positive one. Best not to burden a young person with a well intended assessment that could become an albatross around his neck.

The reality is we have to work hard to maintain our level of intellectual functioning and even harder to get better throughout our lives.

Dr. Maglio is an author and owner/director of Wider Horizons School, a college prep program. You can visit Dr. Maglio at www.drmaglio.blogspot.com.

THE DEFINITION OF "BULLYING" IS BECOMING MEANINGLESS

THE DEFINITION OF "BULLYING" IS BECOMING MEANINGLESS

By Domenick J. Maglio PhD. Traditional Realist

"Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never harm me," has been turned upside down to "names will always harm me.” Calling someone a name now is being considered by some to be bullying. Saying something that may be true but is construed as offensive would not be considered bullying in the past but probably would be today. This new definition is forcing people to weigh every word they want to utter before speaking, stifling free speech.

It places the onus on the speaker to guess the sensitivity level of each person with whom they interact or suffer the consequences of being identified as a bully. Bullying has been expanded to the point that anyone anywhere who experiences a self- perceived insult could allege that she has been "bullied."

In the not too distant past all bullying activities had a common denominator. It was intimidation by a person or a group without an easily accessed path to escape. No longer is bullying a physical threat or verbal attack forcing a person to do something against his will. When people thought of bullying, a picture would arise of a gang of kids surrounding a youngster and physically intimidating him until he acquiesced to give up his lunch money or do something offensive against his will.

This radical change in the definition of bullying from physical coercion to a message on a phone or computer or a verbal slight has put too many reasonable children in criminal jeopardy. A youngster who in an offhanded or joking manner might call an associate fat, ugly, skinny, stuck-up, moody, sensitive or whatever may be committing a bullying infraction. 

An anonymous viewer called a recent local newscaster “fat”. She became an Internet sensation for launching into an outpouring of her feelings on the air. She commented how this remark was a nasty act that hurt her feelings although she admitted she was overweight and possibly obese. She stated that the person had no right to email this “bullying” comment to her. This is taking cyber messaging to new level of scrutiny through her emotional diatribe.

Instead of simply deleting this remark or ignoring it, she used it as a testimonial to become a victim and poster person for cyber bullying. This person felt she had a right to be protected by law from some unknown message sender's assessment of her appearance. As a public figure, her acknowledging this meaningless statement at best made her look immature and at worst as an unprofessional whiner.

The occurrence of these childish incidents has historically been part of growing up. People can be insensitive or purposely attempt to hurt someone else's feelings. In either case the person whose feelings are hurt has to learn a way to deal with it. A person has to grow a "thicker skin" by realizing he or she has the mental power to disregard or stand up and tell the other that she does not appreciate the comment.

Never should the offended person react to the comment emotionally as it will only give the other person satisfaction. By making a big deal of a stupid statement it is unconsciously motivating the obnoxious behavior.  It is a missed opportunity to learn the important lesson that the more you allow people's comments to bother you, the more you will get them. The greater issue a person makes of a perceived insult, the larger the number of sharks will be aroused to attack.

Children watch the reactions of others to see how their words affect them. The more the reaction, the more they will escalate the put-down towards the vulnerable, thin-skinned person. It is a reality that should be learned early in life to prevent life-long suffering.

We cannot or should not define stupid statements as bullying since the word "bullying" will become meaningless. If someone does not like being around a certain person due to his biting adjectives, delete him from your life. We have the freedom to associate with people we choose.

Individuals have more power than they realize. Disassociating yourself from anyone who shows she is incompatible with you or is mean spirited should be done as soon as you realize it. It is better through one's own efforts to disconnect from a toxic person than having government make everything and anything a crime.

By extending the definition of “bullying” to make it a crime is another way for big government to worm itself into the culture and interfere with our freedoms. No matter how big and powerful the government there is no way to insure civil behavior. The only way to create a kind environment is to choose your friends wisely and ignore and remove yourself from obnoxious people.

Dr. Maglio is an author and owner/director of Wider Horizons School, a college prep program. You can visit Dr. Maglio at www.drmaglio.blogspot.com.

PUBLIC SERVANTS ARE NOT THE ONLY HEROES

PUBLIC SERVANTS ARE NOT THE ONLY HEROES

By Domenick J. Maglio, PhD Traditional Realist

Government employees have many opportunities to go the extra mile. Many of the 9/11 first responders went beyond their duties and many paid with their lives to protect others. In disasters firemen, police officers and utility company employees from all over the country are encouraged by their local departments to volunteer their services to other communities. These public servants in crisis situations who put their lives in harm’s way helping others are true heroes.

There are many highways, streets and buildings named after lifelong politicians and government officials. Awards, plaques and ceremonies recognize their years of public service. Not only do most receive a six figure salary and a huge benefit package, they are aware if they play the political games of self promotion they will receive future acknowledgement by the public. These politicians at best are doing their jobs or at worst are just opportunists not necessarily heroes.

There are others in the community who are not public servants but in the midst of a crisis do something for another, which makes them memorable. These people do not expect anything for assisting another in the time of need. These often unknown doers who get things done arrive to volunteer. They are not getting paid to do demanding and at times perilous work but do it. They choose to help without any thought of receiving accolades or recognition.

In a Sayreville, New Jersey school 75 volunteers supplied and distributed food and basic necessities to local citizens. A lifeguard couple saved people in Brick, New Jersey. An off duty nurse delivered a baby on the side of the road. A blind man in Newark, New Jersey knocked on doors to tell neighbors devastated by Sandy where to get food and supplies. A New York University in-charge nurse safely evacuated critically ill children down 15 flights of wet stairs while manually pushing oxygen into their lungs. These amazing actions are only a fraction of examples of people helping people.

These people doing exceptional deeds often go unrecognized in the middle of a crisis. They receive no acknowledgement other than being aware they are doing the best they can. These individuals are frequently overlooked because they are ordinary people doing extraordinary things.

The citizens who felt the wrath and destruction of Super Storm Sandy, Hurricane Katrina and the floods in Tennessee taught Americans that waiting for the government to bail them out was not the best policy. Neighbors helping neighbors was the quickest and most effective way of establishing a beachhead to rebuild their lives.  Expecting and waiting for FEMA and other government agencies did little but cause frustration and resentment. The government bureaucracy is too big and unwieldy to get things done as quickly as needed. In a crisis, response time is crucial.

An American tradition is helping others in times of emergency. Often family members or close friends give emotional support and help get things back to normal. Other times it may be a total stranger offering his skills and energy to help someone during tough times. This past January a man from California brought a truckload of toys to some of the children affected by Sandy since they had not had a Christmas celebration. Hard times often bring out the best in many of us.

These family members, neighbors and strangers are the backbone of every recovery operation. They can work alongside government workers when they arrive although they are there long after the government workers leave. Some temporary public employees cannot replace thousands of community member’s actions. When government servants are reassigned to other locations in the nation the process of rebuilding must go on until everything is somewhat back to normal.

It is illogical for us to expect government to solve our community problems. The federal bureaucrats are too far removed to correctly prioritize.

As self-reliant individuals we do as much as possible to dig out from under the mess of a disaster. Family, friends and neighbors join to lend a helping hand to complete the more physically demanding projects. The local community pulls together to do what is necessary to repair the damage instead of complaining and resenting the untimeliness and lack of response by public servants.

There are some people, strangers, who just appear in a time of crisis as guardian angels and do miraculous things to help out. Many of the unrecognized individuals assisting others are the true heroes in time of emergency. These heroes give our communities the resilience to bounce back from devastating disasters.

Dr. Maglio is an author and owner/director of Wider Horizons School, a college prep program. You can visit Dr. Maglio at www.drmaglio.blogspot.com.

FATHERS NEED TO BE MEN AGAIN

FATHERS NEED TO BE MEN AGAIN

by Domenick J. Maglio, PhD, Traditional Realist

Too many modern children are in charge of the family. Parents defer to their child for decisions  even though their child does not possess the knowledge or experience to make a rational decision. Power is given to children without their having to earn it. They are given privileges although the accompanying responsibilities are not required.

In our modern culture children demand certain foods, clothing or entertainment as if they deserve it all. Parents even ask their children to make major family decisions. A preschool child is often asked which car, appliance or school they like better. The act of pretending to give one's child the power to make important decisions warps the child's self-perceptions of his position in the family. These false decisions are confusing to the child's concept of his maturity and his status in the family and community.

Fathers have been removed as the head of most American families. Forty percent of children are born out of wedlock. In addition to the divorce rate going beyond 50%, 40% of the babies being born are out of wedlock. On top of this, many parents are both working long hours or are even out-of-town for most of the week. Children do not spend sufficient time with either parent to learn the fine line of how far they can push authority figure’s limits.

Today's parents, including the father, have been indoctrinated to believe that if you give children commands you are retarding their ability to become independent people. Parents are supposed to teach their offspring by pretending the child is able to make responsible choices. When the child makes a decision that the parent would have made, the child is praised. If the child's decision is inappropriate the parents hide behind double talk to excuse them from not complying with the child's wishes. The child’s confusion often ignites his anger.

These parental games are harmful to both the child and the parents. The child feels cheated when he does not get his way while the parent becomes frustrated that they are being dishonest about the child’s decision-making power. It is a lose-lose game for both.

Parent’s guilt of not being full time parents nudges them into being friends rather than trainers of their children. Playing with and appeasing their children has become foremost in peer judgment of their role as parents. Directive and commanding fathers are dinosaurs that are not only constantly the butt of jokes in the media but are shunned as unenlightened.  Most modern wives view a strong father approach as offensive to women's equality. Men are no longer supposed to be strong heads of the family.

An ideal modern father should be as nurturing and sensitive as his female counterpart. However, by nature he is not. This places a modern man in a double bind. When he is trying to be more compassionate than his wife in dealing with the children's misbehavior, he has to bite his tongue and overlook the obvious. If he puts his foot down, not only does the child get momentarily angry but his wife will resent his rigid response. He will be reprimanded by receiving a “cold shoulder.” Hence it is easiest and more satisfactory for him to just agree or out-do his wife's tolerance of the child's outrageous actions.

The transformation of fathers from being the head of the household to an acquieser has been a major cause of children walking on the “wild side.” The plague of out-of-control children is directly attributed to a lack of fathers being the men in the family. The man who is not concerned about being liked or even feared but is involved with his family is the person who can do the job of keeping his children on the straight and narrow.

With a heavy dose of respect and a proper amount of fear for the father’s power, most children will internalize limits. These limits enable a youngster to resist temptation. Often, not participating in risky behavior is a major component of reaching old age and financial success.

Fathers should reevaluate their role in their families. They should insist that it is their responsibility to teach the children to listen to their mother, other deserving adults and him.  He needs to explain to his wife that he will be the man in the family. He will be the enforcer when either of them “draws a line in the sand’ that is crossed by the child.

It is not up to the man to capitulate to the child even when he may lose immediate favor with his more protective wife. Instead he needs to rationally communicate, not blow up but explain to her that parents need to be united to keep the child in check. United parents can more effectively parent when the mother plays the role of the woman and the father is the man who will not accept a child’s sassy behavior.

A reasonable child that readily listens to his parents’ loving directions is inoculated against becoming one of the hoards of out-of-control children.

Dr. Maglio is an author and owner/director of Wider Horizons School, a college prep program. You can visit Dr. Maglio at www.drmaglio.blogspot.com