DISCIPLINING A CHILD REQUIRES EARLY DILIGENCE

DISCIPLINING A CHILD REQUIRES EARLY DILIGENCE

By Domenick J. Maglio PhD. Traditional Realist

“He who spares a rod (of discipline) hates his son. But he who loves him disciplines him diligently and punishes him early. Proverb 1.3.24 AMP

The Unites States had moved very far away from Biblical wisdom. Modern child rearing is about maintaining an open communication with one’s children. The child is supposed to be treated equally, on the same level as the parent. Discipline of the child is supposed to come organically from the egalitarian and caring environment created at home.

The consequences of this permissive/materialistic approach to raising children have become evident after the general public has been adhering to them for five decades. Children are more outspoken, debating every safety and other directive given to them. They have difficulty following directions as they are rarely given any to follow. They have few if any chores required of them. These children’s opportunity to study adults interacting among themselves is very limited. Most of the time children spontaneously join in any conversation they encounter and often dominate it. There are no boundaries enforced that even hint that children should “be seen and not heard.” They are deprived of the skill of listening in order to learn. Simultaneously they are saturated with false esteem statements of how wonderful and smart they are.

Children are in the middle of the mix spouting their naïve and nonsensical opinions as fact. While adults pretend to listen intently. Many children believe they are smarter and stronger willed than their parents. This observation is constantly being reinforced by the parents giving in to the children’s demands while the children persist until the parents capitulate and the child is victorious. This scenario is allowed to happen time after time verifying this apparent truth that children do not have to listen to parents or any other authority figure such as a teacher.

To reverse this warped picture of modern families, parents need to make it clear it is their duty to be in charge. Children do not have the wherewithal to make an appropriate and wise decision for other family members and especially for themselves when they are in the early stages of life. The modern child is not as intelligent as he is led to believe, while the discipline of the parents is incredibly pathetic.

Establishing their power as parents requires them acting as parents instead of equals or friends to their children. They have to be in the family for sufficient periods of time to assert their authority. Quality time, not only quantity time is essential for ensuring the child that the parents will be at home enough to direct and protect them. When this happens children naturally become more comfortable that their parents can function as responsible leaders in the family.

This leadership starts with simple commands to their child. “Take this to your mother.” “You need to eat this food to be healthy.” “Please come to the table, now.”

The child experiences that the parents know how to accomplish caring for them. The more the parents establish their authority, the more the child sees the parents as the head of the family.  Any power conflict between parents becomes minimal when parents quickly use an authoritarian voice, manner and appropriate consequence when the child oversteps the boundaries.

Being a positive disciplinarian does take early intervention diligently performed during the child’s formative years. The punishments should be just right for the offense. The consequences should be “just right” consequences that are explained to the child after being given. The explanation helps the child not resent the parent’s punishment but understand they made the wrong decision and need to correct it.

When the child is ready to push his obstinence the parent may emphasize their resolve by moderate spanking to remind the child who is boss. This will not destroy the child’s faith in mankind but will emphasize the parents’ authority as head of the family.

This moderate spank, certainly not an abusive one, has been shown in studies not to have negative mental, emotional, social or any other detrimental effects on the child’s development. It is wise to use moderate spanking early when a toddler shows defiance and is used as often as appropriate. It is necessary to show the child the parent’s willingness to show the child right from wrong. Ignoring a child is often more destructive to his well beingerin.

Learning to listen and follow wise and caring elder’s advice guides a youngster to best navigate life’s decisions. This loving act of disciplining the child puts the child

 on the straight and narrow path to healthy and successful development.

Domenick Maglio, PhD. is a columnist carried by various newspapers, an author of several books and owner/director of Wider Horizons School, a college prep program. Dr. Maglio is an author of weekly newspaper articles, INVASION WITHIN  and a new book, entitled, IN CHARGE PARENTING In a PC World. You can visit Dr. Maglio at www.drmaglio.blogspot.com.

ADORING YOUR CHILD IS NOT ENOUGH

ADORING YOUR CHILD IS NOT ENOUGH

By Domenick J. Maglio Ph.D., Traditional Realist

You give but little when you give of your possessions, it is when you give of yourself that you truly give. Kalil Gibran

The current ideal concept for parents is that children should be happy to develop automatically into a well-rounded human being. Unconditional love received by the child would be an elixir for their entire development. A loved child would naturally blossom for they feel the safety and protection of the most significant people in their early life: their parents. Only adoring parents will produce productive, successful children.

It is obvious that a child facing his early life without parental love is more prone to psychological issues. The lack of having a significant person to meet his needs and wants leaves him deprived, insecure and depressed in too many instances. The child will suffer scars although going down this path could temper him to be tougher and more independent to struggle his way to success.

Living for one’s child is becoming more prevalent with a proliferation of single child families. Even with larger families, parents feel obligated to fulfill their children’s unlimited demands for expensive, novel experiences and objects to demonstrate their love. Parents who instantly meet the needs of their precious child’s every need and want can smother their child’s development of independence while fostering parasitic behavior. A child highly dependent on his parents can become a highly dysfunctional adult.

“Affluenza,” the ability of parents to give their children whatever  and whenever they want has not produced happy children. It has infected the spirit and soul of children. Many of the children who are given everything to appease them wind up without any concept of gratitude or empathy for others.

In our modern world love has become the giving of things rather than spending time and energy helping the child be a well rounded person. Parents sharing practical skills, knowledge and moral values assist the child to better face the future.  Children inculcated with moral values will have a moral compass. Without parents teaching these moral lessons children are vulnerable to negative peer pressure and evil.

Discipline is a higher form of love than mere affection and or be a dispenser of physical things. Disciplining a child to develop positive habits, strong work ethic, common sense, good manners, are gifts that are more complex and meaningful than simply transferring monetary wealth to a child. Anything that comes easy leaves just as easily. Trust fund babies are a testimony to this truth.

An individual who knows he is loved by others has a wonderful foundation for building emotional stability and self-worth, although the reality is these relationships will eventually end with death leaving the offspring to face reality without parental protection and assistance. Parents who do not give the child the necessary means to deal with the difficult realities of life will not fulfill their sacred duty of a parent to prepare the child to be able to live independently.

The parents communicate wisdom, giving the child a valuable gift. They become an integral part of the child’s thinking and behaving. These lessons in life strengthen when the positive results are seen over and over again.

Disciplining one’s child to deal with all aspects of reality is indispensible for his well- being and success. The child needs and deserves discipline. When the child is wrong he should be corrected in doing simple tasks such as chores as well as acting appropriately in a multitude of situations. A child is a work in progress that needs parental parameters to put him and keep him on the right track.

Discipline training is an essential part of loving ones child. It does not produce warm fuzzies but it is love. This training approach will be acknowledged and appreciated if he has matured when he has reached adulthood. The young adult will be grateful that his parents did love him enough to demand high standards to become an independent and successful adult.

Domenick Maglio, PhD. is a columnist carried by various newspapers, an author of several books and owner/director of Wider Horizons School, a college prep program. You can visit Dr. Maglio at www.drmaglio.blogspot.com.

CROSSING THE RED LINE SHOULD EARN A SPANKING

CROSSING THE RED LINE SHOULD EARN A SPANKING

By Domenick J. Maglio PhD. Traditional Realist

Anyone who says “if you cross a red line” you better be prepared to keep your word or suffer the consequences. President Obama had stated to President Assad of Syria that the use of chemical weapons on his people would not be tolerated by the USA. It appeared President Assad crossed the red line on many occasions but nothing happened. This has caused America to lose its credibility as a super power in the eyes of the international community.  Currently foreign nations are testing our resolve to stand strong.

Parents also become a joke to their children when they say they are going to do something but they do not follow through. They also lose their credibility. The most common consequences that a parent uses when extremely frustrated is “you do that one more time and I will spank you.”  It never happens. The children learns to let the parent’s threats go in one ear and out the other, pushing the limits.

The lack of enforcing consequences not only at home, but at school and with law enforcement has emboldened teenagers to arbitrarily and viciously knock out innocent people for entertainment. It is called “the Knockout Game” but it is anything but a “game”. It is a vicious assault than has been fatal. This is spreading in our urban centers throughout the nation. It indicates these youngsters have never been taught to employ a moral compass.

These acting out youngsters have crossed the “red line” again and again until they believe they are entitled to do whatever they want. The lack of parental backbone is not only creating self absorbed, sociopathic youngsters but is undermining the stability of our schools, communities and our nation.

Modern parents go back to the old standbys instead of following up on their word. Time out, negotiating, ignoring, lecturing, appeasing, are easier for modern parents to attempt. These strategies are supposed to be performed without any emotional reactions. “Experts” preach that children should not experience a parent who resorts to corporal punishment. Any spanking even reasonable and moderate spanking is now believed by the majority of modern parents to be traumatic to the child, even though that has been shown by numerous studies not to be true.

The ignoring of poor choices in school leads to destructive behavior in other settings. Not listening to a parent or teacher mushrooms into other negative behaviors. The passive- aggressive, inattentiveness can morph into physical acting out on another. It often spreads to acting out in the community. If no other authority has stepped in to impact the child,  it ends with the criminal justice system finally meting out incarceration.

Children begin the journey of becoming out-of-control when parents are unwilling to follow through on what they say they are going to do. Being a parent is a sacred position that should not be ignored.

When parents abdicate their duty of molding their offspring's moral compass, it creates a ticking time bomb, which can impact any one of us. Knowing right and wrong should be established as early as possible in a child's life.

As my father would say, "it is easier to keep a straight tree straight then to straighten a crooked one." Moderate spanking at an early age quickly establishes a child's respect for the parent’s word and authority. The longer a parent waits to start the process of teaching the child wrong from right, the greater the punishment and the greater the frustration and the possibility of unnecessary collateral damage. There is a point in a youngster’s life, around 6 years-old, when spanking becomes ineffective and possibly abusive.

Just like a nation's foreign policy, the more quickly you make a firm statement of where the "Red Line" is and back it up with action if it is crossed, in the long run the better the outcome. A child testing the family's parameters reacts the same way to a reasonable punishment. They learn to listen. Just follow up a command that is broken with a swift spank on the behind and watch your young child learn to listen before he acts. This gift will encourage the child to think before acting impulsively, a major ingredient of self-discipline. Do it for the sake of your loved one.

Domenick Maglio, PhD. is a columnist carried by various newspapers, an author of several books and owner/director of Wider Horizons School, a college prep program. You can visit Dr. Maglio at www.drmaglio.blogspot.com.

MICRO MANAGE THE CHILD AT HOME NOT AT SCHOOL

MICRO MANAGE THE CHILD AT HOME NOT AT SCHOOL

By Domenick J. Maglio PhD Traditional Realist

Modern parents too frequently have things reversed. They are permissive at home allowing their children to do and have whatever they want. They do not set limits on behavior or teach moral values that assist youngsters in fulfilling their goals.

However, as soon as the child leaves the nest and enters school the parents attempt to micro manage the teacher’s actions with their precious child. The parent’s unrealistic hope is their child will be treated as if he is the only child in the class. They believe their child’s uniqueness, lack of conformity and the parent’s self-important status requires him to be treated as special.

Parents are worried the teacher might treat their child abruptly and harshly to bring his behavior inline with age appropriate behavior. These parents do not understand that meddling in school, the first opportunity the child has to function independently outside the home, is going to hinder his maturing into a functional person.

It is true that all of us are different and develop at different rates but we still have to conform to certain expectations and standards of behavior and moral values to make us culturally appropriate. When these lessons are not learned at home, it falls on the school to inculcate them. This task becomes more complicated and difficult the older the child.

Teaching every rudimentary skill like listening, potty training, waiting one’s turn and following natural and logical rules is being delayed or totally ignored. Not everyone can be first in line. Since many students are coming from single parent homes without extended family involvement, they never learn the need to contribute to others. Almost all modern children have limited opportunity to share and contribute in these affluent times. Whatever the child desires is often given to him without question.

Since consequences for establishing certain important behaviors are often taboo for modern parents, they become irate when their child is subjected to these rules by the teacher. School authorities are supposed to use tender loving care to control their child even when he does not respond to it.

Teachers need to be allowed to give lessons that cannot be accomplished at home but many modern parents feel these methods are too strict. This means pointing out their child in front of the class for inappropriate actions is unacceptable. Withholding part of recess while holding the teacher’s hand or eating snack or lunch separate from others is seen as cruel and unusual punishment. Any consequence the child does not like the parents will find unacceptable.

Today’s children need to be told when they are doing something wrong to learn how to be successful. When the child gets home and complains about an incident the parents think they know from the child’s account exactly what took place. They do not wait to hear the teacher’s version. They come to school and tell the teacher, “my child was not disruptive nor does he lie,” therefore the teacher is immediately put on trial by the parent. Instead of questioning the child, the integrity of the teacher is questioned when it conflicts with the child’s story.

The days of parents punishing their child for a bad report card in support of the teacher’s authority are dead. We have come full circle. Previously the teacher’s word was respected. In any mention of misbehavior by the child, the child was wrong and the teacher was right. Today any reprimand reported to the parent of the child’s behavior requires immediate notification to the parents or a conference. The child is innocent until proven guilty not by the teacher’s description of his misdeeds but by evidence of others besides the reporting teacher and a quasi admission by the child before the parent is convinced.

Without the teacher and parents being on the same page the child suffers academically and socially. When parents attempt to micromanage the school it is a losing proposition. However, parents micro managing their child at home will increase the probability the child will have the skills and values to make an easy and successful transition from home to school.

The parent’s diligence in observing and following up on the child’s behavior at home would automatically substantiate the fact that their child is far from perfect. This observational knowledge of their offspring’s real nature not their projection of the child’s ideal behavior will help them empathize with the teachers instead of resisting their efforts.

Parents will feel more comfortable to support authority figures by getting out of their way. This increased confidence in the teacher’s insight into their child’s mind and behavior makes it easier for them to ally with the teacher. This alliance between the parent and the teacher is essential in helping the child become the best he can be.

You can visit Dr. Maglio at www.drmaglio.com.